My Dead, Horrible, Funny Mom

My Dead, Horrible, Funny Mom

My Mom has been dead for over 8 years now. I’ve talked about her before in my stand-up and on my website before. I’ve explained how she became an alcoholic and a crack addict in the last couple of years I knew her. I’ve also been able to make jokes about how she abandoned me and my brother and also how she abused me by hitting me with a tennis racket. Being able to joke about it has been very helpful to me because it makes me feel like that despite how awful she was to me I can take that and make others laugh about it. For a moment it makes me feel like that I can forgive her for what she did, but then the show is over and I have to go back to the reality that she knew what she was doing and couldn’t stop herself from hurting the only people in her lives that truly loved her.

Some people have asked what’d I’d do if I saw my Mom again, what would I say to her? Honestly I’d have nothing to say to her, she would have to be the one to make the first move. Although sometimes I wonder about what she would say or think about who I’ve become and what I’ve been trying to do with my life. Before my Mom went off the rails I remember that she had a better sense of humor than my Dad, she would make jokes and play pranks on me, I remember how I liked some and others I would never even realized they were jokes which I think she thought was even funnier in some ways.

I would try to make her laugh too. I remember the first time I tried making her laugh was when I was seven and we were watching Nickelodeon. We saw a commercial for kids underwear where at the end of the commercial a kid is on screen with his underwear on the outside of his pants and he claims, “Underpants go under your pants.” I remember thinking how weird and silly that commercial was. I excused myself to go upstairs to grab another pair of underwear and slid them over my jeans. I went back downstairs, jumped in front of my Mom before the TV screen, and yelled, “Underpants go under your pants!” She chuckled and asked if those were a clean pair or what I was already wearing. I said they were clean and she smiled and said good.

I remember one other time when I was sick and my Mom asked if I wanted chicken noodle soup, I said yes and she went to get it for me while I watched Nickelodeon. She came back with a tray of soup, Ritz crackers, and water. I said thank you and without really looking I took the spoon that was already in the bowl, I pulled it up to my mouth and everything spilled out and fell all over me because there was a hole in the bottom of the spoon, I looked up at my Mom and she yelled out “April Fools!” I was laughing hysterically. To this day that was still the best April Fools day I’ve ever had.

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Those were two stories about my Mom that weren’t awful. Looking back I see that she helped raise me to have the sense of humor I have today and I’m grateful for that. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly forgive her for what she did but I am sad that she hasn’t seen me perform and isn’t going to see me continue on in my weird adventures of becoming a stand-up comedian. When I started writing this I didn’t think I was going to like it but I’m kind of glad I decided to participate in Mother’s Day for the first time in eight years. Here’s to digging deep and finding something funny and wonderful. Thank you Barbara Tower Doney.

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